Communication, Affection, and Showing  You Care

Since the establishment of Valentine’s Day in the 14th century and with its gaining in popularity in the 17th, the month of February has become synonymous with affection and celebrating connection through cards, candy, romance, and an extra push to show we care. Further, it is a holiday recognized and celebrated across an impressive swath of the world.

With all that in mind, the topic of how we show we care becomes a central theme throughout this month of hearts. It lends itself to the question: What is the best way to show you care? Though this seems like an easy question, it actually depends on some crucial considerations.

What are Love Languages?

When we think about expressing ourselves and building upon our connection with others, the term ‘Love Language’ emerges. Simply put, this describes the ways in which we all typically engage one another in reaching out, connecting and building relationships that nurture and support one another. The term first appeared in 1992, when Gary Chapman proposed his theory of the 5 languages of love after finding emerging patterns amongst his clients.

This Love Language defines the way a person both receives and expresses love – essentially speaking and comprehending emotion through their particular lens, or language. It shapes the way a person demonstrates their affection and support for another. The significance of using these love languages is evident in the apparent increase in empathy within relationships when both parties are aware and working towards understanding each other’s love language. It can also be a means of understanding yourself better – to know where you are coming from, and how you prefer to receive affection.

The benefits of understanding your loved ones’ Love Language are universal, but not everyone’s language is adequately covered when considering those outside of the typical parameters that were established back in 1992. For those who share space neath the umbrella of neurodiversity, for instance, adaptations to the standard can be more useful in understanding how the neurodiverse community expresses, interprets, and receives affection.

Neurodiversity

Neurodivergent individuals are a rather dynamic group – just like those with a more neurotypical mindset. There is much variability in this group and many conditions fall within this larger umbrella grouping. Primarily, there are three broad categories considered to be neurodivergent: Clinical, Applied, and Acquired.

Clinical Neurodiversity – Health-related conditions and conditions an individual is born with:

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) – Developmental condition affecting concentration, attention span, and impulsivity
• Autism – Condition generally affecting communication, social behavior, impulsivity, and sensory processes
• Tourette Syndrome – Nervous system disorder, causing uncontrollable, repetitive motions or sounds, more commonly referred to as ‘ticks’5

Applied Neurodiversity – Non-health-related congenital conditions:

• Dyscalculia – Difficulty with mathematical and numerical concepts
• Dyslexia – Difficulty in language, reading, and writing
• Dyspraxia – Difficulty in relation to movement

Acquired Neurodiversity – Acquired conditions from health impacts, injury, or external events:

• Acquired Brain Injury – Brain damage caused by an external accident impacting mental capability
• Illness – Generally illnesses affecting the nervous system
• Mental Health – Conditions affecting cognition and mental well-being

The 5 Love Languages of the Neurodivergent

Special Interests & Sharing

This form of sharing and expressing affection is simply discussing an interest or passion in impressive detail. The act of sharing this information with someone you care about is a form of emotional self-expression.

These terms and the concept originate from the tendency of autistic individuals to develop a special interest, sometimes referred to as a SpIn.

While some interests last a long time, not all interests share that longevity. All are, however, important to the individual. These interests are often a source of joy and happiness, so encouraging someone to discuss their passion with you is a sign of caring. Encourage others to talk at length about their special interest to demonstrate autistic empathy and autistic love. 

Body Doubling

Body doubling can be as simple as existing together, essentially sharing space. Spend quality alone time with each other, doing either the same, or different tasks. The idea is that you spend time alone, but in the company of another person as a sign of care. This form of connection doesn’t require continual conversation, but sharing stories and taking the time to reflect on what the other is saying can be a profoundly enriching exchange. In this way, the other person knows you are there, you are present, and you are listening. In this way, a person with ADHD has someone to help them remain accountable and thus, can stay focused on their task for longer. Helping or stepping in is not the motivation or intention here, but for someone to stand beside them while they work through it.

Swapping Support

Swapping support is a term centered around the practice of supporting people who are neurodivergent. It is a means to keep one another accountable and help to stay on track with whatever particular things the other feels they need some assistance in accomplishing. It’s an exchange of support that starts with two people telling one another what they need and then filling that gap or finding someone else who can do so.

Deep Pressure

Think of a weighted blanket or a big bear hug. Deep pressure applies particularly to individuals with anxiety, as the feeling of being squeezed or cocooned under deep pressure can help to relieve symptoms of anxiety. In fact, a weighted blanket can even help to improve sleep for anxiety sufferers. The science behind a good, tight hug, as strange as that might sound is solid. The pressure involved provides proprioceptive input and soothes the body’s stress responses.

The bottom line is that giving someone a satisfying bear hug can be incredibly helpful and soothing if deep pressure is their neurodivergent love language.

Be sure to ask your loved ones if they would like a hug before rushing in. As always, consent is paramount to respecting one’s preferences in showing and receiving affection.

Perhaps deep pressure happens to be your language too. Sharing your own needs with others can help them understand how to support you as well. 

Penguin Pebbling

For those who have not heard of the sweet gifts of pebbles that penguins give to loved ones, this Love Language gets its name from them.

As a neurodivergent Love Language, this refers to unconventional gift-giving. It could be sharing something you think would make the other person happy – like a short video – or giving them something you know they care about. It’s intentional if a little unconventional.

Providing a loved one with a gift that speaks to their interests is also an invitation for them to share more with you. It is a way to better honor and demonstrate affection in a way that will be better understood by neurodivergent individuals better than more conventional methods. It’s a way to tell someone “I thought about you today and thought you would like this”. It’s a little ‘thinking about you’ pebble, so to speak.

As you celebrate this season of sharing, ask yourself what your own language of love is – and what are the ways you could adjust how you show and share in affection to maximize your intentions to show your support for loved ones in your life.

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